Dear Coleen
I left home when I was 18 and haven’t seen my parents for three years. I went to live with an older friend, who was 22 at the time, and slept on her couch until I found a job, and then I was able to rent a room in a flat share.
I’m 21 and expecting a baby with my boyfriend. It wasn’t planned, but we’re both excited and committed to being good parents, and have the support of his family, who’ve suggested we move in with them before the baby arrives so they can help for the first few months. My dilemma is, I don’t know whether or how to tell my parents about the baby.
I left home on bad terms. I don’t get along with my mum – it was a very volatile relationship. I get on better with my dad, but he always sides with her. They know where I am and how I am through other people, but we’ve had no direct contact.
I don’t know how to build bridges with them. My mum has always been extremely critical of me and suffocating, so I did a lot of stupid things to wind her up and hurt her. I’d disappear for days and not tell her where I was because I knew she’d be sick with worry. I’m not proud of that, but while I can admit these things, she still thinks she’s the perfect mother and that I’m difficult and ungrateful. I’m not sure what to do – can you help?
Coleen says
Keeping the bigger picture in mind, I think family counselling would be the way forward if you want to resolve these issues and rebuild the relationship.
But, you all have to arrive at that point and, in the meantime, maybe you could let them know they’re going to be grandparents. It’s probably a good idea not to expect anything from them in return – either emotionally or practically – so you’re not left feeling let down. But telling them might give you peace of mind and help you feel more assertive and in control of your life.
You could let them know through someone else and wait for the message to get through or you could write them an email, saying you wanted them to hear it from you. But whatever you get back from them, and especially if it’s negative, try to stay focused on the life you’re building and on the wonderful, supportive people you have around you. And focus on being the mum you wish you’d had growing up.
As a parent myself, I feel sad for what you’ve gone through, but what’s wonderful is that your boyfriend’s family have stepped up to take care of you all. I wonder if subconsciously, you’re hoping the baby will help build bridges with your family and I hope that happens. But be careful not to go into it with rose-tinted glasses. Good luck.
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